While Gus The Golf Ball™ was created to convey the lighter side of golf, Gonzo was born out of the need to explain the twisted logic behind the dark, evil aspect of the game – lost balls, lost money, lost sanity – the delusional nature of hackers and whackers, with their compulsive need to punish themselves every chance they get.
Gonzo is my attempt to get inside the head of a golf ball to reveal the twisted logic behind its seemingly irrational behavior. To understand what makes it tick: its motives, likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses and ultimately, why it does what it does – its main goal, or master plan. Fortunately, I had the perfect inspiration living right under my roof – our cat, Bailey.
When someone visits our house, Bailey is quick to greet them at the door, purring and rubbing against their leg – acting real nice. “I am such a pretty kitty… so lush and green, with all those lovely trees and rolling hills. Go ahead and stroke me!”
I try to warn them, “It’s all a ruse! Don’t pet her – it’s just her way to lure you in close enough to bite.” “Go ahead and use your driver on this hole. It will be purrrfect! Don’t worry about the narrow fairway with the alligator pond on the left, and poison ivy grove on the right. You can do this… swing hard big fellah!”
One day we had an out of town visitor who considered herself an animal person. After a few cocktails, she proclaimed, “I am going to make that cat like me!” Bailey’s response: “Go ahead – you can clear those trees, and carry the water. Meow.” After a few minutes of up-close-and-personal-time with Bailey, it was hard to tell which looked worse: the blood from the bite marks or the bubbling patches of poison ivy. Today that person is an avid dog lover. Golf isn’t for everyone.
Bailey seems to be bipolar: nice one minute, mean as hell the next. But her behavior is really just part of a larger mission – to gain control over all humans for the purpose of escaping into the great outdoors. In reality, she frequently parks herself near the door so she can capitalize on a mental lapse and sneak outside. “My best chance to escape to the Great Out-Of-Bounds is a brain fart on the tee box.”
Once outside, she typically goes straight to the grass and starts to eat it. I’m not sure why she does this because it makes her puke, but I presume it is, again, part of her master plan. “I know that person is going to take me back inside, and when he does, I will punish the infidel by puking on his carpet. Stupid humans – when will they learn!”
And that’s how Gonzo’s master plan was hatched. He is on a mission to take over the world, recruiting unwitting hackers with the lure of golf for the purpose of releasing golf balls into the Great Out-Of-Bounds, where they join his army, and await his orders for the G-Day invasion.
Gonzo can appear to be nice now and then, but understand that it is just part of his master plan. A good shot keeps you coming back for more, and that is the only way he can add to his army. “Purrrrect shot!… aren’t I a pretty kitty.”